31 Days of Discovering Your Purpose

The first day of October was my first day home.  That morning I checked my email and saw a post from The Nester that challenged her readers to spend 31 days blogging about a specific topic.  I passed over it on Monday thinking it was a good idea but not really wanting to commit to anything at all on my very first day at home.  I thought about it again on Tuesday and again on Wednesday but still couldn't pull the trigger.  Today I thought about it again and this time I decided to act on it.  I mean, I did promise several weeks ago that I was "diving in" to the blogging world. And so far I've pretty much been sitting on the edge of the pool.

Anyhow, I've decided my topic will be discovering your purpose.  I've already been on this journey over the last few weeks.  I've been learning that I so often place my identity in the things I do, the possessions I have, the people I love.  Not all the ways I identify myself are bad. But I know my true purpose can only be found in Him.  So over the next 31 days I will be writing about what it looks like to "get it right".  I'm a few days behind but I'm sure you'll forgive me.

Day 1: Slow down to find your purpose

For the last 8 months I have been home almost half of the time.  I initially worked two days a week and then for the last month I worked everyday training my replacement.  I've technically had time to "slow down". You would think when you are doing half as much as you used to be you should only be half as busy.  That makes sense, right? Wrong! It took me the last 8 months to realize that "slowing down" isn't something that just happens when you cut out responsibilities and cut back on commitments....especially when you replace them with other responsibilities and commitments.  You have to be deliberate about slowing down.

After two days of "being home" (running to home goods, going grocery shopping, meeting a friend  for lunch, signing up for the gym, meeting a friend for a walk, going to the farmer's market, making
dinner, picking up diapers I forgot at the grocery store, deep cleaning the house, etc.), out of sheer exhaustion and without really realizing it, I spent all day Wednesday devoted to slowing down.

I took time to sit on the floor with my baby boy and I realized that he could pull himself up! How long had that been happening? I took a little extra time and chopped up some fruit for him.  To my surprise he picked up the little pieces with his tiny little fingers and put them in his mouth one by one.  He chewed and swallowed.  Something so simple but so remarkable.  If you are a mom I'm sure you can relate to the sense of pride you feel in this kind of moment.  I wanted to run out the door and shout, "Hey everyone! My baby eats mangos!!!!" 

The best moment came in the aisle of Big Lots.  It was the "aha moment".  I put the fluffy shopping cart cover in the seat and placed Max in it. He sat up like a big boy and we began to make our way to the back of the store.  For some reason I felt the urge to just stop mid-aisle and look down at him.  There he was looking right back up at me.  He just smiled and looked right into my eyes and fixed his attention on me for what seemed like forever.  His face said, "I'm so happy I'm with you, mom". I'm not sure how long I've been missing that look but I know one thing for sure....I don't want to miss it again.  In that moment I saw a bit of purpose staring right back up at me.  It's like God Himself smiled at me and said, "This is what you are meant to do."  So, I will stop every now and again to look around.  Really look around.  I'll be present.  I'll be still.  I'll take it all in.  

"Be still and know that I am God" - Psalm 46:10

It's not you...It's me

It's no secret I've been wrestling with whether or not I should stay home full time since before Max was even born.  I was familiar with the moms returning from maternity leave.  I saw their internal struggle as they sat in my office and filled out paperwork on their first day back.  We would have casual conversation as if this would call less attention to the fact this was the day they had been dreading for 3 months.  Don't get me wrong.  Many of these moms were successful women who had dreamed of being attorneys from the time they were little girls.  The problem was, they had also dreamed of being moms since they were little girls.  How were they to balance it all?  Finances aside, why did they feel they were expected to balance it all?

Over the last 6 months, I've tried to answer these questions for myself and I've tried my best to make "balance" happen by splitting my time between work and home.  Things were "under control" for awhile.  Groceries?  Check. Bedtime routine? Check. Dinner schedule? Check.  Budget?  Check. House cleaning? Check.  Babysitter? Check.  Work responsibilities? Check. The core of the problem was that at the end of the day I had no energy to devote to the people I was checking things off for.  Wasn't the purpose of being home to soak up time with little Max?  To learn about being the best mom and wife I could be?

Mark and I talked about this a lot.  I prayed.  We prayed.  He prayed.  After all that I still didn't feel like I had a clear answer.  One night my sweet husband sat down with me and said, "walk me through your reasons for wanting to stay at work."  I listed them off one by one. 

1)  I'm afraid you won't be as proud of me if I am at home.

2)  I'm worried I won't feel fulfilled.

3)  I'll miss my friends

4)  I don't want people to say I couldn't do it.

With each reason I listed it became more clear.  Mark looked and me and said what I knew deep down.  "Leah, none of those reasons are of God."  He was right.  The things that kept me hanging on were fear, pride and worry.  They were all about me. 

So as of Friday I decided to break up with my job.  I'm cutting the cord, ripping off the band-aid and I'm not looking back.  I'm sure it will be different but now I know that different is okay.  Actually, different is great!  I'm excited to share with each of you what this new chapter of life will bring.  It is sure to be an adventure. 

Faith is what makes real the things we hope for.  It is proof of what we cannot see.  Hebrews 11:1

Date Night Disasters

 

 

Before my husband and I had a baby, people would always tell us, “Once you have kids, everything changes. You better enjoy things now.” It was spoken like some kind of cryptic warning we wouldn’t understand until the kid came and changed everything.

 

In the weeks after our son was born we began to clue in to the “everything changes” thing on our first attempts at date night.

 

Our first night out was to a new restaurant near our house that we had been eyeing for weeks. We were hopeful it would become a new “go-to” when we wanted something close by. On the big night out, the babysitter fell through and here we were with our new bundle of joy. “Oh well,” I thought. “Date night can still work with the little man in tow.” So our new little family headed out on the town. When we arrived at the restaurant, the menu was promising and we made our first selection of an appetizer. I could tell where the night was headed when our selection reached the table and we practically needed a magnifying glass to locate the tiny morsels of food on the plate. There were a total of 4 olives on the plate and I believe they cost us nearly $3 a piece! That should have been our first clue but we stayed for the main course. Needless to say, one tragedy led to the next and before our meal was even started, the baby had a major blow out. Once that was under control and my appetite was all but gone, our baby decided he wasn’t happy. He proceeded to wail the kind of wail that causes everyone in the room to fix their eyes on you. They seem to say, “Why can’t these people get their baby under control?” We decided we weren’t quite ready to handle the public humiliation so we asked the waitress to box our teeny tiny pizza and we got out of there. As if that wasn’t enough, I finished off the night by accidentally dropping our leftovers on the garage floor as we arrived home. Nice.

 

Our second attempt at date night was not much of an improvement. This time around we were a bit smarter and decided we would go somewhere where we couldn’t possibly disturb others. We opted for the drive-in theatre with the rationale being, even if baby cried, no one else would hear. We were right about that part but we weren’t prepared for all of the other things that might go wrong. For example, I sent my husband off to get some drinks right when the movie started. I took on the task of getting our little SUV-theatre all set up. Problem was we had a “new to us” SUV that did not come with a manual. That meant I had no idea how to turn off the overhead lights inside. The other movie-goers were a little angry about that. Our romantic movie turned a bit stressful to the tune of honking horns and angry shouts. Then there was the fact that I forgot the bottle on the kitchen counter, so I did my best to feed baby discreetly in the back of the car with a fleece blanket on top of me in 90 degree weather.

 

Our most successful date so far was on our anniversary. I was driving back that day from seeing family in South Carolina. With our now 4-month-old along for the ride, it made for a lengthy trip with many pit stops. The original plan was for me to make it back in time to go out for dinner, but as I got further and further delayed by the baby stops, our dinner plans went down the drain. By the time I made it home it was 11 p.m. Despite my frustrating day, my sweet hubby had the house cleaned from top to bottom and dessert ready and waiting. It was one of our best anniversaries yet and I’m sure I’ll remember it for years to come.

 

The thing is, those people that warned us about everything changing only had it half right. Everything has changed but that doesn’t mean we’ve stopped enjoying it. Sure, date nights are a bit more challenging now. But they are also sweeter, more humorous and more appreciated than ever before.

Story Worth Telling

 

 

I've spent the last few years away from this page because to be honest, the blog world intimidates me.  For one thing, my standards are too high.  I tell myself I have to capture each and every meaningful moment and I have to fill in the blanks for anything I've missed over the last few years.  I compare myself to others like my incredibly gifted bestie or those with remarkably intimate stories about the struggles and heartache they've walked through.

 

But today I had an epiphany as I looked down at my precious baby boy covered in sweet potatoes, a band-aid on each chubby thigh, a spoon in his mouth, a foot on the table, a super cool spiked 'do and that little precocious grin. I have a story worth telling.   At times I question the significance of the words I write and the moments I try to capture.  I wonder if they are worthy of an audience.    But the truth is, my story does matter. I must trust it is being written by the Author of all things.  He has invested eternity in me.  He has given me a loving husband. He has blessed me with a new generation.  It's a journey worth recording.

 

So, I will write.  I can't say how often. I can't promise the subjects will be profound or witty or strikingly significant but they will be real.  Real moments.  Sweet potatoes, boo boos, chubby thighs, spiked hair and all.