What Birthdays Mean to Moms

I vaguely remember posting something three months ago that said I was going to consistently blog for 31 days while "discovering my purpose".  Well, that didn't happen and I feel like my posts are starting to become a series of excuses.  However, I have discovered a lot about my purpose over the last few months.  I am learning there are times when you have to set the "to-do list" aside and just be in the moment. There are also times you have to say no so that you can say yes to the things that are most important. That's hard for me, and I'm sure it will be a lesson I have to learn my whole life over.  So the challenge to myself is not so much to check a blog post of my list but to live in the moments that are blog-worthy.

Today was a blog-worthy day. We celebrated Max's first birthday and I realized something as I watched him devour his cupcake and be happily passed from one loved one to the next...birthdays are special for moms.  That seems so obvious and simple but before becoming a mom I never considered the emotions that go along with celebrating the birth of your child.   

We were lucky enough to have our friends Taylor and Christopher film the big day and we asked our guests to say what they thought Max would be when he grew up and what their favorite memory of Max was from his first year.  

I have lots of ideas for the first question.  The boy loves food and has a palate more refined than most adults I know.  A few months ago I watched him pick up a fist-full of goat cheese and shove it in his mouth and at that moment I felt certain he would be a food critic or a chef.  This notion was reaffirmed the time he ate curried chicken sandwiches as well as the time he ate gorgonzola cheese and started laughing hysterically like it was the best thing that had ever happened to him.  I've also considered he may carry on his Papa's legacy and be a musician of some sort.  From the time he found his voice he has loved to sing. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if his first words come through song.  Music has always calmed him down when he gets fussy.  He loves to dance and he loves "playing drums".  Plus, he just has that rock and roll hair. 

The second question is much harder to answer.  How can a mom pick just one moment?  Although, I've only had 365 days to spend with my baby boy, he has changed my life in a profound way.  Forever his birthdays will be so special to me and here are a few reasons why...

1.  He has challenged me to soak in each passing day.   I sit on the living room floor and just watch in amazement as he masters a new skill like opening his toy cell phone to have a very important conversation.    

2.  He has taught me to stop with him in front of the mirror to relish the smiles that come from self-discovery.

3.  He makes waking up at the crack of dawn exciting.  He greets each day with a toothy grin and the energy of a baby ready to unearth new things.

4.  He tells the best jokes without saying a word. I love his sense of humor already and can't wait to watch it unfold.

5.  Sometimes I feel guilty that his furry brother (our dog Brownie) doesn't get enough attention.  Somehow Max senses it and takes the time to lay his head on Brownie every now and then.  

6. I love his compassion and they way he encourages you without saying a word.  When "Dee Dee" was in the hospital, he watched her take her first trip down the hall and clapped and cheered her on with each step.

7.   Somehow he possesses the wisdom to know that one of the greatest joys of a great grandmother is holding the new generation in her arms.  Max can sit on Nana's lap for an hour and put the "wriggle worm" in him aside.  All that for the sake of giving out smiles.

8.  When his girlfriend (this status not up for debate) Addison,  cried, he cried with her.

9.  Sharing is caring and Max is always eager to share a puff or cheerio with a friend.

10.  He mimics our laughter in the midst of conversations.  I hope he carries that one with him.  Something tells me he will.

31 Days of Discovering Your Purpose

The first day of October was my first day home.  That morning I checked my email and saw a post from The Nester that challenged her readers to spend 31 days blogging about a specific topic.  I passed over it on Monday thinking it was a good idea but not really wanting to commit to anything at all on my very first day at home.  I thought about it again on Tuesday and again on Wednesday but still couldn't pull the trigger.  Today I thought about it again and this time I decided to act on it.  I mean, I did promise several weeks ago that I was "diving in" to the blogging world. And so far I've pretty much been sitting on the edge of the pool.

Anyhow, I've decided my topic will be discovering your purpose.  I've already been on this journey over the last few weeks.  I've been learning that I so often place my identity in the things I do, the possessions I have, the people I love.  Not all the ways I identify myself are bad. But I know my true purpose can only be found in Him.  So over the next 31 days I will be writing about what it looks like to "get it right".  I'm a few days behind but I'm sure you'll forgive me.

Day 1: Slow down to find your purpose

For the last 8 months I have been home almost half of the time.  I initially worked two days a week and then for the last month I worked everyday training my replacement.  I've technically had time to "slow down". You would think when you are doing half as much as you used to be you should only be half as busy.  That makes sense, right? Wrong! It took me the last 8 months to realize that "slowing down" isn't something that just happens when you cut out responsibilities and cut back on commitments....especially when you replace them with other responsibilities and commitments.  You have to be deliberate about slowing down.

After two days of "being home" (running to home goods, going grocery shopping, meeting a friend  for lunch, signing up for the gym, meeting a friend for a walk, going to the farmer's market, making
dinner, picking up diapers I forgot at the grocery store, deep cleaning the house, etc.), out of sheer exhaustion and without really realizing it, I spent all day Wednesday devoted to slowing down.

I took time to sit on the floor with my baby boy and I realized that he could pull himself up! How long had that been happening? I took a little extra time and chopped up some fruit for him.  To my surprise he picked up the little pieces with his tiny little fingers and put them in his mouth one by one.  He chewed and swallowed.  Something so simple but so remarkable.  If you are a mom I'm sure you can relate to the sense of pride you feel in this kind of moment.  I wanted to run out the door and shout, "Hey everyone! My baby eats mangos!!!!" 

The best moment came in the aisle of Big Lots.  It was the "aha moment".  I put the fluffy shopping cart cover in the seat and placed Max in it. He sat up like a big boy and we began to make our way to the back of the store.  For some reason I felt the urge to just stop mid-aisle and look down at him.  There he was looking right back up at me.  He just smiled and looked right into my eyes and fixed his attention on me for what seemed like forever.  His face said, "I'm so happy I'm with you, mom". I'm not sure how long I've been missing that look but I know one thing for sure....I don't want to miss it again.  In that moment I saw a bit of purpose staring right back up at me.  It's like God Himself smiled at me and said, "This is what you are meant to do."  So, I will stop every now and again to look around.  Really look around.  I'll be present.  I'll be still.  I'll take it all in.  

"Be still and know that I am God" - Psalm 46:10

It's not you...It's me

It's no secret I've been wrestling with whether or not I should stay home full time since before Max was even born.  I was familiar with the moms returning from maternity leave.  I saw their internal struggle as they sat in my office and filled out paperwork on their first day back.  We would have casual conversation as if this would call less attention to the fact this was the day they had been dreading for 3 months.  Don't get me wrong.  Many of these moms were successful women who had dreamed of being attorneys from the time they were little girls.  The problem was, they had also dreamed of being moms since they were little girls.  How were they to balance it all?  Finances aside, why did they feel they were expected to balance it all?

Over the last 6 months, I've tried to answer these questions for myself and I've tried my best to make "balance" happen by splitting my time between work and home.  Things were "under control" for awhile.  Groceries?  Check. Bedtime routine? Check. Dinner schedule? Check.  Budget?  Check. House cleaning? Check.  Babysitter? Check.  Work responsibilities? Check. The core of the problem was that at the end of the day I had no energy to devote to the people I was checking things off for.  Wasn't the purpose of being home to soak up time with little Max?  To learn about being the best mom and wife I could be?

Mark and I talked about this a lot.  I prayed.  We prayed.  He prayed.  After all that I still didn't feel like I had a clear answer.  One night my sweet husband sat down with me and said, "walk me through your reasons for wanting to stay at work."  I listed them off one by one. 

1)  I'm afraid you won't be as proud of me if I am at home.

2)  I'm worried I won't feel fulfilled.

3)  I'll miss my friends

4)  I don't want people to say I couldn't do it.

With each reason I listed it became more clear.  Mark looked and me and said what I knew deep down.  "Leah, none of those reasons are of God."  He was right.  The things that kept me hanging on were fear, pride and worry.  They were all about me. 

So as of Friday I decided to break up with my job.  I'm cutting the cord, ripping off the band-aid and I'm not looking back.  I'm sure it will be different but now I know that different is okay.  Actually, different is great!  I'm excited to share with each of you what this new chapter of life will bring.  It is sure to be an adventure. 

Faith is what makes real the things we hope for.  It is proof of what we cannot see.  Hebrews 11:1